Hold the Presses! The Hog Lets the Rabbit Play a Hand!
They had never like each other.
The Secretary Bird regards Charlie the Chimp as a brash, overgrown schoolboy with a crude sense of humor. The Chimp looks on the Emeritus Professor of Bio-Sophistry as a legal pendant and a bore.
The stage was set for a pleasant game when the two met in the annual match between the Pterodactyls and the Salamanders.
This was one of the early hands:
| Dlr: South | ♠ K 4 3 2 | |||||||||||||||||
| Vul: None | ♥ 4 3 2 | |||||||||||||||||
| ♦ J 3 2 | ||||||||||||||||||
| ♣ 4 3 2 | ||||||||||||||||||
| ♠ A J 7 6 5 | ||||||||||||||||||
| ♥ A K Q | ||||||||||||||||||
| ♦ Q 7 | ||||||||||||||||||
| ♣ A K Q | ||||||||||||||||||
|
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Timothy the Toucan led out the ♦K, ♦A and ♦8.
With a sly glance at the kibitzers, the Chimp detached a card and tossed it high in the air. As it descended on the green baize, it was seen to be the ♥A. IN mock alarm, the Chimp tried to retrieve it, exclaiming “Oh, oh! I didn’t mean to do that. This was the card I wanted to play.” With another deft flick of the fingers he sent the ♣A spinning on the table.
The Secretary Bird wasn’t amused. The bristles over his ears stood out belligerently. “Frightfully funny,” he hissed. “That ♥A, as you doubtless know, is a played card according to Section 45 of the Laws of . . .”
“But, of course, my dear professor,” broke in the Chimp, winking meaningfully at the kibitzers and nudging the scorer with his elbow. “You can have either ace or both, if you like. Or would that be a tort or a misfeasance or something? You see, it makes not a scrap of difference, for I have no loser of any kind to discard. So there you are.”
Chortling and grimacing, Charlie the Chimp gathered the trick, solemnly played the ♥A, as though it were a penalty card, and continued with the ♠5 to dummy’s ♠K.
Crossing his long wiry legs, always a sign of tension, the Emeritus Professor threw a diamond.
The Chimp sat back with a jerk. A few seconds later, with all the mirth gone from his manner, he conceded two inevitable trump losers.
The full deal was:
| Dlr: South | ♠ K 4 3 2 | |
| Vul: None | ♥ 4 3 2 | |
| ♦ J 3 2 | ||
| ♣ 4 3 2 | ||
| ♠ Q 10 9 8 | ♠ — | |
| ♥ J 6 5 | ♥ 10 9 8 7 | |
| ♦ A K 8 | ♦ 10 9 6 5 4 | |
| ♣ 10 8 6 | ♣ J 9 7 5 | |
| ♠ A J 7 6 5 | ||
| ♥ A K Q | ||
| ♦ Q 7 | ||
| ♣ A K Q |
“Such an amusing hand,” hissed SB as I picked up the board to take it to the other room. Oscar the Owl, our senior kibitzer, who was refereeing the match, came with me.
With the Hog and the Rabbit facing Papa and Karapet, the same contract was reached by a somewhat different route.
| South R.R. |
West Karapet |
North H.H. |
East Papa |
| 2♣ | Pass | 2♦ | Pass |
| 2♠ | Pass | 2NT | Pass |
| 3NT | Pass | 4♠ | All Pass |
The Hog enamored of his bidding. “I should have passed 3NT, I suppose,” he said later. “I was going to bid 3NT myself had that Rabbit only mentioned some other suit. With no certain stoppers in two suits it might not have been so bad, but with three suits wide open and a dearth of middle cards, I didn’t like to take the chance. Besides, after a 2♣ opening, I suppose that even four trumps to the king is adequate trump support. I am not a selfish player as you know.”
Being dummy wasn’t the Hog’s idea of a good game of bridge, but for once he gave way.
Like the Toucan, Karapet started with three rounds of diamonds. The Rabbit played the ♠5 on dummy’s ♦J and stretched for the ♠K.
“You’re in your hand,” warned the Hog.
No, no, it was dummy’s ♦J,” said R.R.
“But you ruffed it.” persisted H.H.
The Rabbit was puzzled. Surely he had bid 3NT. Then suddenly he remembered — the Hog had raised his spades. So out of character. No wonder he was confused.
“Sorry, H.H.,” he murmured ruefully. “I forgot.”
When Papa showed out on the ♠K, the Rabbit sighed deeply. He was on the point of conceding one down, then thought better of it. After all, someone might revoke. Things could happen.
With nothing better to do, he cashed the ♥A K Q and the ♣A K Q. Somewhat to his surprise no one ruffed and he found himself left with ♠A J 7. Holding his breath, he led the ♠7, forcing the luckless Karapet to lead into the A J.
“Curious hand,” observed O.O., “the only way to make 4♠ is by playing it in 3NT.”
“Could I have made one more had I not forgotten the contract?” asked R.R. earnestly.
